“Who’ll Wash All The Vehicles?” And Other Tongues Of The Slips

“Call the fridge, I’m just coming.” Slappy to me as we head for the elevator one morning.

“Call the fridge, I’ll just lock up.” Me to Slappy, shortly afterwards.

“Oh my God, I got a legal ogle!!!” Windows flashes an ‘Illegal Operation’ sign on Legal Ogle’s screen. The one that started it all, and led to her nickname.

“Who’ll wash all the vehicles?” Me to the SIMC gang in Pune after a night of drinking at my place, on noticing the kitchen sink full of dirty utensils.

“If you want to know what’s happening in my life, you should just see Facebook.” Me to Slappy. I’m still apologising.

“All these clients just love chapstick humour.” LooksGayButClaimsHeIsn’t to me during a brainstorming session.

“Hold your booby with your hand!” Slappy to me one night while trying to draw a mehendi tattoo on my arm.

“I love the glasses!” Me to Slappy. She’d said, “I love you,” I hadn’t heard, and was busy admiring the brandy glasses. On our anniversary.

Terror At Radio Club

A couple of days ago, all members of the Bombay Presidency Radio Club at Colaba were surprised, shocked and petrified (in that order) after seeing two notices up on the notice board.

Apparently, our intelligence agencies and the police have evidence of a credible terror threat against Radio Club.

The most obvious reason would be the Club’s most famous (and most disputed) landmark – the Pier. Which would offer visiting terrorists an easy landing point, and quick access to posh Colaba and the Taj Mahal Hotel.

But we at FITM believe that there are deeper reasons for terrorists to strike at the Club. So, we did some digging, and the facts we unearthed are rather extraordinary.

• The terrorists seek revenge for the bad service they got at the bar on a crowded Saturday night. They actually had to wait 20 minutes for a gin-and-tonic, despite waving their AK47s threateningly at the waiters.
• The terrorists seek revenge for the food poisoning their glorious leader experienced from an undercooked, over-spiced chicken tikka. The resultant vomiting and diarrhoea seriously cramped his style, occurring when he was visiting his Mumbai girlfriend while her parents were away.
• The terrorists feel they were cheated out of the Bumper Housie Jackpot. They argue that the result was fixed, and the winners’ cue was the announcer calling out, “Two fat ladies…!”
• The terrorists were outraged when they were overcharged for a shuttlecock at the Badminton Court. A 125% mark-up is just too much for God-fearing, gun-toting bandits to swallow.
• The terrorists’ mission is to exterminate the Club decorator, a Mr. Mashru. Apparently he’s a liar and a cheat and didn’t provide clean carpets for the leader’s sister’s wedding.
• The terrorists believe they were cheated out of victory at the Club elections. The election loss put paid to their plans to convert the Club into a local base for terror activities. Complete with an obstacle course for new recruits.
• The terrorists are angry at the blatant accusations of corruption and embezzlement levelled at the Club Committee. They believe that all perks and benefits should accrue only to them. Free food and drink for the rest of their lives.
• Pakistani authorities have cut off the terrorists’ water supply in a move to gain additional terror funding from the US of A. The terrorists simply want to have a bath, and perhaps a leisurely Sunday morning swim after.
• The terrorist weren’t able to procure passes for the Club’s New Year programme, and this is an elaborate gate-crashing exercise. Their planned entertainment includes a fireworks display with real grenades.

As patriotic, civic-minded persons, we at FITM have passed on this information to the authorities, who have promised to investigate further. Commandos have been posted all around the Club for security.

And, of course, the terrifying notices have been pulled down from the notice board – because people were getting too scared reading them!

Jokes Apart

Jokes Apart
28th August 2005

Nobody invents jokes like an advertising copywriter.

Especially when said copywriter is sitting bored at Turbhe railway station, attending an ad film shoot where he has nothing to contribute.

Especially when a crowd of about 1500 people gathers, hearing rumours that Abhishek Bachchan and Jaya Bachchan are shooting. Thus blocking access to the public loos, and forcing said filmmakers to use the Railway Police toilet.

Here, then, are some of the Toilet Police jokes said copywriter invented.

Crew members went to the loo under Police Poo-tection.

What’s the motto of the Toilet Police? To serve and to poo-tect.

Human rights activists often complain about Toilet Police b-loo-tality.

How do criminals manage to evade justice at the hands of the Toilet Police? Simple. They find loo-pholes in the law.

There’s no escaping the long arm of the loo.

How can you tell if your kid would make an ideal Toilet Policeman? He’s born toilet trained.

When can one apply to become a Toilet Policeman? Anytime once one has passed poo-berty.

What happens when criminals get interrogated by the Toilet Police? Like any good gang members, they don’t give a shit.

Have you seen the Toilet Police’s new ad campaign? It’s intended to give the Toilet Police a strong poo-sitioning.

Now we know why we refer to the cops as the Poo-lice.

Under what code do the Toilet Police charge offenders? The Indian Pee-nal Code.

At times, the Toilet Police will attempt to strike a deal with gang members. For the criminals, it’s a question of whether to pee, or not to pee.

If reporting a crime to the Toilet Police, you need to meet the on-duty Loo-tenant.

After making an arrest, the Toilet Police must poo-duce the alleged offender in court.

Offenders arrested by the Toilet Police are thrown straight into the loo-ckup.

When the Toilet Police discovered that one of them was passing information to gang members, they moved quickly to plug the leak.

The Toilet Police is building a new training academy. It’ll be based in Poo-na.

Standard interrogation question: "Where have you stashed the loo-t?"

It’s been a few days since said copywriter invented the above jokes. A few may have slipped my
mind, but as and when I remember them, I will update them.

I invite readers to share the fruit of their toiletary wisdoms. Contributions will be duly added with full credit – or lack thereof.

Lots of loo-ve...

FITM.