2009: The Year In Review

Every newspaper does it. Heck, they advertise it, they earn big bucks from it. So I decided to try it myself.

Ladies, gentlemen and the undecided minority – FITM presents, 2009: The Year In Review.

As if the title didn’t tell you what this post is about.

I could ramble on, but then you’d probably go away and do more important things – like shaving your underarms or something – so here goes.

Spent most of January preparing for February. Said goodbye to my wife-to-be as she returned to the maaike for the last time as a kunwaari (hey, that rhymes with her name!). Caught up with friends, lived up the last days of my bachelor life. Had about seventeen million six hundred forty-one thousand eight hundred and fifty-six conversations with people about the wedding.

Got engaged in February. Got a nice watch as a gift. Got officially confirmed as an adult Hindu male. Begged for money. Got lots of folks drunk at one place. Danced like a maniac. Watched my pals put on a fantastic show. Got scandalised at my Navgrahi pooja. Put mehendi on my hand – just a drop, for shagun purposes only. Had a wedding-related panic attack – on the baraat horse. Got over it. Got hitched – also in February. Went on honeymoon. Realised I’d be waking up first for the rest of my life.

Played Holi after God-alone-knows how many years. Was rather good at it – was accused of being a terrorist by a drenched and spluttering mom-in-law.

Worked very hard. Got frustrated with my boss. Drowned my frustrations in Caol Ila. Got legal proof from the government that we’re married.

Work frustration went through the roof. Threatened to quit job. New opportunity was promptly pushed through by the Silent Assassin. Got a new phone to celebrate 3 months. Made Woodside Inn our home pub. Apologies to Mondy’s.

Enjoyed married life. Binge-watched Scrubs with the wife. Discovered How I Met Your Mother. Binge-watched that too.

Bought a 32” Vu LCD TV. And a DivX-compatible Philips DVD player. Entertainment unit set up, no need to move out of bedroom. Except for food and loo breaks.

Bought the wife a phone. An HTC Touch Diamond. First she loved it. Now she hates it.

Churned out the next big campaign. My last mainline campaign. Switched over to digital. Figured out that my name in binary is 40 characters long. For the curious, it’s 0111001101100001011011010110100101110100.

Discovered the Kindle. Jumped up and down when they launched the international version. Still jumping up and down, hoping someone will buy it for me.

Discovered Avatar: The Last Airbender. Got typhoid. Stayed home for 3 weeks. Binge-watched Avatar. Played PS2. Taught Slappy and the Nag poker. Whined when they beat me at it.

Mourned when MJ died. Played his music all day long. Wiki’d him, Tweeted about him. RIP, Billy Jean.

Started rocking digital. Made some friends. Made some enemies. Hobnobbed with senior management. Started feeling famous. If yet underpaid. And overworked.

Wrote a bit more of the book. Got more critics. Still awaiting their criticism. And the time to finish writing it.

Started re-running The West Wing for project research. Ended up re-running The West Wing for sheer entertainment.

Moved out of my parents’ home. Bought furniture. And vegetables. Even tomatoes.

That brings to a close the Review. We hope you enjoyed reading it. If you did, I have a reward for you here (girls, click here). If you didn’t enjoy it, then you may go here.

See you in 2010. Have a rocking New Year, folks.

Things That Make Me Go Jumping Up And Down With Glee

Coming up with a great idea for a campaign. Coming up with it before anyone else.

Pamela Anderson in her red swimsuit jumping up and down for whatever reason.

Winning a hand in poker. Better yet, winning the whole game.

Ok, winning at Cluedo even.

Fine. Winning. Period.

Good drive-time music.

Winning an Effie Gold. Ahead of those stupid so-and-sos at the agency in black.

The thought of owning a Kindle. (Hint, hint.)

Eating at All Stir-Fry.

Coming up with the stupid ideas that you read on this blog.

Watching Star Wars. Any of them. Anytime. Anywhere.

Annoying my wife.

Annoying her friend Fancy Joint.

Annoying people in general.

Especially with my patented, copyrighted, one-in-a-million sense of humour.

And, finally, getting my wireless, broadband, 512 kbps Internet connection up and running after a week without it. All on my own, even. I’m a rockstar.

P.S. Thanks to Mrs. Foot for some timely and funny contributions to this post.

Terror At Radio Club

A couple of days ago, all members of the Bombay Presidency Radio Club at Colaba were surprised, shocked and petrified (in that order) after seeing two notices up on the notice board.

Apparently, our intelligence agencies and the police have evidence of a credible terror threat against Radio Club.

The most obvious reason would be the Club’s most famous (and most disputed) landmark – the Pier. Which would offer visiting terrorists an easy landing point, and quick access to posh Colaba and the Taj Mahal Hotel.

But we at FITM believe that there are deeper reasons for terrorists to strike at the Club. So, we did some digging, and the facts we unearthed are rather extraordinary.

• The terrorists seek revenge for the bad service they got at the bar on a crowded Saturday night. They actually had to wait 20 minutes for a gin-and-tonic, despite waving their AK47s threateningly at the waiters.
• The terrorists seek revenge for the food poisoning their glorious leader experienced from an undercooked, over-spiced chicken tikka. The resultant vomiting and diarrhoea seriously cramped his style, occurring when he was visiting his Mumbai girlfriend while her parents were away.
• The terrorists feel they were cheated out of the Bumper Housie Jackpot. They argue that the result was fixed, and the winners’ cue was the announcer calling out, “Two fat ladies…!”
• The terrorists were outraged when they were overcharged for a shuttlecock at the Badminton Court. A 125% mark-up is just too much for God-fearing, gun-toting bandits to swallow.
• The terrorists’ mission is to exterminate the Club decorator, a Mr. Mashru. Apparently he’s a liar and a cheat and didn’t provide clean carpets for the leader’s sister’s wedding.
• The terrorists believe they were cheated out of victory at the Club elections. The election loss put paid to their plans to convert the Club into a local base for terror activities. Complete with an obstacle course for new recruits.
• The terrorists are angry at the blatant accusations of corruption and embezzlement levelled at the Club Committee. They believe that all perks and benefits should accrue only to them. Free food and drink for the rest of their lives.
• Pakistani authorities have cut off the terrorists’ water supply in a move to gain additional terror funding from the US of A. The terrorists simply want to have a bath, and perhaps a leisurely Sunday morning swim after.
• The terrorist weren’t able to procure passes for the Club’s New Year programme, and this is an elaborate gate-crashing exercise. Their planned entertainment includes a fireworks display with real grenades.

As patriotic, civic-minded persons, we at FITM have passed on this information to the authorities, who have promised to investigate further. Commandos have been posted all around the Club for security.

And, of course, the terrifying notices have been pulled down from the notice board – because people were getting too scared reading them!