The Sex Blog

There’s a rather disturbing trend emerging in the literary world today. Rather disturbing, more so because I’m not yet part of it.

Sex blogging.

That’s right, sex blogging. Blogs devoted to sex. They could be fantasies. Or (alleged) real-life sexual escapades. Or both.

What’s happening is, these sites are drawing a huge number of visitors – in the millions even! And, even more depressing, most sex bloggers are promptly approached (at the first sight of fame, or even the first sign of being able to write about sex) by publishing companies and offered large sums of money to write books.

It’s happened to two of my favourite bloggers (links in the sidebar) – Girl With A One-Track Mind, and The Compulsive Confessor. And I’m jealous like hell.

Everyone close to me knows that I’ve always wanted to write a book. I’ve had a plot in my mind, and I’m slowly (at the rate of two hours a month) working it out.

So, I reckon that if I want to get a publishing deal before even writing a page, I should just write a sex blog.

What follows is that sex blog.

Sex is defined as sexual intercourse between two members of the same species. I’m not counting those lonely farmers whose main companions are woolly sheep.

Either you’re a virgin (somebody who has never had sex) or a non-virgin (somebody who has had sex). This includes moments when you were too drunk to know what you were doing, or waking up next to somebody you’ve never seen before.

Now let’s explore the types of sex.

Peno-vaginal sex. Anal sex. Oral sex (not to be confused with verbal sex, where a man and a woman stand on either side of the bed, shouting, “F**k you!” at each other). Phone sex. Cyber sex.

Now for the moments of sex.

First-time sex. Drunken sex. Early morning sex. Lunchtime quickie sex. Make-up sex. Break-up sex. Sex with the ex. One-night stand sex. Mistake sex. Romantic sex. Casual sex. Exhibitionist sex. Same-sex sex. Pity sex.

Some sex positions, for the interested minority.

Missionary sex. Doggy-style sex. Cowgirl sex. Reverse cowgirl sex. Stand-up sex. Chair sex. 69 sex. Side-by-side sex. The Tortoise sex. The Monkey sex. Crushing Spices sex. Churning Curds sex. Two Palms sex. Equal Feet sex.

Yes, it’s true, these positions exist.

Now for some common sex locations.

Bed sex. Table sex. Chair sex. Bathtub sex. Shower sex. Kitchen table sex. Sofa sex. Floor sex. Nightclub loo sex. Friend’s house sex. Dorm-room sex. Elevator sex. Staircase sex. Office Xerox machine sex. Lawn sex. Green fields sex. Mountaintop sex. Swimming pool sex. Jacuzzi sex.

Contributions to all the above are always welcome.

As proof to the disbelieving publisher that this is indeed a sex blog, the word ‘sex’ has been used 71 times in this post.

Now where’s my book deal?