Homecoming

Homecoming
15th July 2001

Today’s the day that sees the end of two very painful weeks of my live. Two weeks in my life that have been charged with emotion, not all of it happy. At the end of which I have, for the first time in five years, broken down and wept.

I returned home two weeks ago, ostensibly to collect my mark sheets, get them attested, etc. The more obvious reason lay in the fact that home is where the heart is. I desperately wanted to see my family and friends – and, unfortunately, I will be living about 200 kilometres away from them for the better part of two years.

It’s strange, but I didn’t realise how homesick I was till I stepped into the train to Bombay. The entire afternoon had been spent in a state of nervous excitation, something I realise as an afterthought. It was only when the Indrayani pulled out of Pune station that I felt the lump in my throat.

I’ve never realised how peaceful a train journey can be if travelled in absolute solitude. I was able to finish over a hundred pages of Dickens’ classic The Pickwick Papers. I reminisced about fond memories with my friends – too many to name. And I was thinking about Smelly.

The taxi ride home from the station was amazing. There I was, grinning away in the pouring rain, as familiar landmarks appeared out of nowhere. And then the grin nearly split my face when Mom opened the door to my home.

I spent three days in Mumbai. Met up with friends and teachers, got criticised and congratulated, spent time with the family. Met S & A of the troika – couldn’t meet K but spoke to her. It’s amazing, how they’ve been these pillars of support through these initial weeks. They’ve managed to keep me relatively sane.

Returned to Pune in bubbly spirits. For the first time since leaving home, I was feeling like me – the guy who was once a student of Jai Hind College. I had made up my mind to try and talk to Smelly – I asked her out the night I returned. And I was ditched. I decided to try for the last time, and was shot down.

Legs then sent in some fiery emails. Telling – no – ordering me to give Smelly some attitude. And then reinforcing that message with an intense conversation over the phone.

Mom and Dad landed up two days ago. I spent long hours with them discussing the situation with Smelly, among other things. I had given them the full brief for the first time back home. They’d obviously talked about it. Now they agree with Legs’ message. And I’ve begun to implement it in full.

I have just realised how lonely I am in this city. Without my family and friends. Without the love of somebody I thought would be my closest friend here. I haven’t had time to develop a deep, meaningful friendship with anybody else here. It will probably take a long time to materialise. After what’s happened with Smelly, it’ll take a long time for me to trust somebody else. It wouldn’t be nice to be betrayed by another person in this class – we are communication students, after all.

And Mom and Dad have just left today. Lunch was spent with a feeling of loss that gradually grew as their time of departure came closer. And, when I hugged them before they boarded the rickshaw, there were tears in my eyes. I actually stumbled into the wrong building. When I finally reached home, I sat down and wept.

The first thing I’ve done is call up my best friend. Spoke to her for close to twenty minutes, which has geed me up tremendously. I guess the emotional strain is taking its toil. I only hope that my friends remain the pillars they have been.

A thought that struck me some time ago now floods my brain with amazing clarity. C-304, Rajgruha ‘B’, Salunke Vihar Rd., Kondhwa, Pune, will be my home for the next two years. I use the word ‘home’ in the broadest sense possible – as a place where I eat, sleep and work. For, no matter where I go or what I do, 18/1, Strand House, Opp. Strand Cinema, Colaba, Bombay, will always be my home.

And these two weeks have concluded my first homecoming.

My Own Mills & Boon Story

My Own Mills & Boon Story
12th July 2001

The babe is no more.

That doesn’t mean she’s passed away or just been willed out of existence. It’s just that things have come to a head with us, and I’ve decided that she doesn’t hold that sort of value in my life at this time. So now I’ve got to think up a new nom de plume for her.

I can still remember our last night together. In fact, I can remember all of them. This one stands out, though. The day her exams ended, we went out on a date which was the most romantic experience of my life. Dinner, coffee and romance. An awesome experience, one that I wouldn’t change for anything.

I would, however, change the way she’s begun behaving with me since I reached Pune. Weird is an understatement. She’s been brushing me off, like some speck of dust on the floor. Ignoring me completely. We haven’t spent any time worth mentioning together, and it’s been six weeks now.
On the night our relationship began, she told me that I send out mixed signals. Today, she’s doing the same. Every now and then, I get the feeling that things are okay. The rest of the time it’s either a vibe that would freeze the Sahara or one that speaks "Indifference" in so many words.

I can’t understand why this gulf has suddenly emerged in the plateau that was our relationship. We haven’t fought or done anything of the sort. It’s as if all of a sudden she doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t talk to me or tell me things – a far cry from those months back home when every small thing was confided.

What’s worst is that she doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it. I’ve tried speaking to her, but we haven’t done enough of that. She claims to be ignorant of the way she’s behaving – and she’s hurt me in so many ways that I’ve lost count. She’s even acting flippant about the whole thing.
I was hurting until I returned home. Talked to my parents about the whole thing for the first time, got the advice that we should talk. My troika of girlfriends (the SAK group) have been amazingly supportive. And I returned to Pune with a determined mindset.

By the way, by scoring 74% in my TYBSc exams, I have justified the title of Best All-Round Student of the Year conferred upon me by Jai Hind College.

I’ve come back determined to give it one last shot. And so, on Wednesday, our day off, I tried to talk it over. And was shot down, like a bird by a hunter’s rifle. And I’ve given up.

I’ve been steeling my heart against this for a while now. And I’m prepared to face life without having the babe as a close friend. Any relationship we have now is purely superficial.

I’ve come close to losing each of the SAK group as well. S – my best friend – misinterpreted some advice I gave her. She wouldn’t talk to me straight for over a month. However, it took only one short conversation to straighten things out.

A – my sweetheart – and I were close in SYBSc. However, I didn’t like the way she was dominated by another friend – this friend also knew every little thing we used to talk about. This lack of privacy pissed me off. We drifted apart unsaid. We got close the same way – without a word being said. We’ve even talked about it now – things are cool.

K – Legs, to you all – was out of touch for three months. Repeated attempts to contact her went in vain. I had just about given up all hope when she called up one night. After three hours of my abusing her, things were alright again. It also helped that she’d gone through hell and needed a shoulder to cry on – and wanted to remain a close friend of mine.

And now these three are my closest friends. Pillars of support that I don’t want to do without. People I love and people who love me in turn.

But I don’t know what’s going to happen with the babe. Friendship to me has always been a two-way thing, even with the SAK group. I can’t rebuild a bridge that was originally built by two. That’s what’s going on with the babe. I’m trying to mend fences – she’s trampling over them with every little thing she does or says.

I cannot describe my feelings for her too well. It’s deep affection, I guess. But that extra something that could have turned our friendship to love has now been subdued by the way she’s been behaving.

I guess all that talk she gave me about valuing our friendship more than anything else was crap. She’s been hesitant about entering a relationship with me – a view I respect. We were close friends who were also physically intimate. It’s what she was also looking for. Now we’ve got to redefine our friendship – something madam has no time to do.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss the physical intimacy. It was great. However, I’m willing to do without it – something I think she thinks I can’t do.

These developments have now narrowed down my short-list of prospective brides to three – the aforementioned SAK group. One good thing has come out of all this, though. I’ve learnt how to kiss.
No Mills & Boon has ended with the protagonists unhappy. I’d like to hope that my story still has a couple of chapters left. But I’m prepared for the more probable eventuality that it doesn’t. Things won’t work unless a miracle occurs and she sees the light.

I’d like to consider it more her loss than mine. I’ve been a very good friend. I’ve dropped everything for her when she’s needed me. Unfortunately, I don’t think she’s capable of doing the same. I guess I’ve figured out who my true friends are.

It’s the end of what could have been so beautiful. What has been now turned into something banal and insignificant by her mental block.

And now I return to the dilemma I’m in. I doubt that the nomenclature ‘the babe’ will appear in this column any more. So I’ve got to figure out what to call her.

She always wears a very distinctive perfume that may have contributed to my attraction towards her. So I’m going to call her Smelly.

If she’s offended, I don’t really care. There’s not much chance that she’s going to read this.
And now I recall the words of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart, which I misquote slightly:

Once upon a time we were falling in love;
Now we’re only falling apart.
Nothing I can say…total eclipse of the heart.
Nothing I can do…total eclipse of the heart.