The Sex Blog

There’s a rather disturbing trend emerging in the literary world today. Rather disturbing, more so because I’m not yet part of it.

Sex blogging.

That’s right, sex blogging. Blogs devoted to sex. They could be fantasies. Or (alleged) real-life sexual escapades. Or both.

What’s happening is, these sites are drawing a huge number of visitors – in the millions even! And, even more depressing, most sex bloggers are promptly approached (at the first sight of fame, or even the first sign of being able to write about sex) by publishing companies and offered large sums of money to write books.

It’s happened to two of my favourite bloggers (links in the sidebar) – Girl With A One-Track Mind, and The Compulsive Confessor. And I’m jealous like hell.

Everyone close to me knows that I’ve always wanted to write a book. I’ve had a plot in my mind, and I’m slowly (at the rate of two hours a month) working it out.

So, I reckon that if I want to get a publishing deal before even writing a page, I should just write a sex blog.

What follows is that sex blog.

Sex is defined as sexual intercourse between two members of the same species. I’m not counting those lonely farmers whose main companions are woolly sheep.

Either you’re a virgin (somebody who has never had sex) or a non-virgin (somebody who has had sex). This includes moments when you were too drunk to know what you were doing, or waking up next to somebody you’ve never seen before.

Now let’s explore the types of sex.

Peno-vaginal sex. Anal sex. Oral sex (not to be confused with verbal sex, where a man and a woman stand on either side of the bed, shouting, “F**k you!” at each other). Phone sex. Cyber sex.

Now for the moments of sex.

First-time sex. Drunken sex. Early morning sex. Lunchtime quickie sex. Make-up sex. Break-up sex. Sex with the ex. One-night stand sex. Mistake sex. Romantic sex. Casual sex. Exhibitionist sex. Same-sex sex. Pity sex.

Some sex positions, for the interested minority.

Missionary sex. Doggy-style sex. Cowgirl sex. Reverse cowgirl sex. Stand-up sex. Chair sex. 69 sex. Side-by-side sex. The Tortoise sex. The Monkey sex. Crushing Spices sex. Churning Curds sex. Two Palms sex. Equal Feet sex.

Yes, it’s true, these positions exist.

Now for some common sex locations.

Bed sex. Table sex. Chair sex. Bathtub sex. Shower sex. Kitchen table sex. Sofa sex. Floor sex. Nightclub loo sex. Friend’s house sex. Dorm-room sex. Elevator sex. Staircase sex. Office Xerox machine sex. Lawn sex. Green fields sex. Mountaintop sex. Swimming pool sex. Jacuzzi sex.

Contributions to all the above are always welcome.

As proof to the disbelieving publisher that this is indeed a sex blog, the word ‘sex’ has been used 71 times in this post.

Now where’s my book deal?

Sex In This City

Sex In This City
14th November 2005

I awoke on Saturday, in a rush to get to work. As usual, there were only babies on my brain. All that, however, was about to change.

I showered, dressed, admired my handsome self in the mirror. Then strolled out to the hall for a spot of breakfast. And came face-to-face with my favourite topic in the whole wide world – sex.

It seems that a certain tabloid, in its Saturday "lifestyle" supplement, has dared to research the city’s attitudes towards sex. Especially as pertains to the city’s youth. Well. Well, well, well. Babies were suddenly forgotten, as I settled to read.

Now, nothing about sex has ever shocked me since I landed up in Pune, and got the culture shock of seven lifetimes. However, said research has shocked plenty of people I know. So, I put myself forward, and decided to put this survey in a different light.

It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

The survey is "a comprehensive sexual map" of the city. Hmmm. Totally believable. Given the sort of photographs that adorn the pages of the supplement. Enough to get a teenage nerd to roll up the supplement and head into the bathroom for an hour or so of creative...er...recreation. Not me, you understand. Not me.

Before you even think of asking – no, I will not reveal any details of my sexual past or present in this article. All ideas expressed are my own personal views, and do not relate to my experience or lack thereof.

First point. It seems 58% of the city’s students have had sex. 13% did it aged between 15 and 18. Okay, then. My teenage years had a lot of sex. Most of it was in my mind. Where was I while everyone else was getting a piece of the action? Probably er...recreating in the loo.

Most men have watched porn, it says. Understandable. Unless you’re a woman. It’s a guy thing, ladies. Like it’s a girl thing to run off to the loo with company (recreation? Hmm?) when in public.

16% of respondents have sex with partners who are not their spouses or significant others. Waah! Not only do they have sex, but they have sex with multiple people. Some people have all the luck.

One-third of the women have had sex on the beach. Or made out in an elevator, swimming pool, or in public. Every guy’s fantasy come true.

79% of men masturbate, 41% of women masturbate. Yeah, I admit it. We guys are hormone-driven. I’ve heard that guys think about sex once every six seconds. Come on...we need some relief!

Half the respondents favour the missionary position, then the woman on top or doggy-style. Half haven’t tried oral, anal, group, cyber, phone or bisexual sex. Come on, people. There’s a lot more kinkiness to be found if you just free your minds!

9% would try to spice up their sex life with fruit-flavoured condoms, dildos, cross-dressing, spanking or even spouse-swapping. Hmmm. These people obviously go further than I could think of.

Now for commercial sex. I’m firmly against the world’s oldest profession (sorry, ladies), so I shall not comment. Except to say, "Shame on you!"

However, 60% redeem themselves when they say that sex with CSWs is the biggest cause of AIDS and STDs.

24% of married women and 20% of married men have tried swapping partners. Obviously women tire more easily of their men. Looks like we guys need to learn some new tricks to keep our gals.

Half the respondents feel that living in is better than marriage. I think it’d be a good precursor to marriage. Almost that many feel that marriage is no more than a permit to have sex. Don’t know about that, but it’s mainly a permit for guys to lose most of their freedoms...

19% of males have visited "massage" parlours. Obviously I don’t know my city too well. Try as I might, I haven’t found any. The closest I came was a Kerala massage by two hatta-khatta Malayali males...

31% of youth have issues marrying a non-virgin, and 20% believe that she should stay a virgin till marriage. I think most males have only one problem with non-virgins – penis envy. Or, in other words, worrying about the guys she slept with before marriage. Talk about insecurity.

26% of people rate lavender, chocolate and musk as arousing scents, in that order. For me, it’s a particular perfume...er...we will not talk about it right now, koff, koff.

31% of men get most aroused by lingerie. Woo-hoo baby! Nothing like sexy lingerie! What’s hidden is sometimes far more erotic than what’s revealed.

34% of people have had multiple partners, 20% have had pre-marital sex with CSWs, Internet friends or tutors. Again. I feel very, very left out. Where I was I...?

Fantasies. Ahem. 66% of men share their fantasies with their partner, 58% of women do the same. Big turn-on for some, I think. Very bold, very sensual. Would make for an interesting night ahead. What’s your fantasy?

Sexual harassment. A big no-no in my book. And it seems, unfortunately, that most people have faced it. And it seems that more men are willing to give sexual favours to advance careers. Not surprising. We’d get a raise, and good sex as well. Hormones controlling our thinking, I guess.

Oh yes, everyone (except businessmen) practices (or claims to) safe sex.

69% of youth believe that oral sex is normal and common, 59% agree it should not be forced. I’d always thought oral sex meant the man yelling at the woman, "F*** you!" and the woman yelling back, "F*** you too!"

18% wouldn’t agree to S&M, but 12% of guys have tried it. In my experience, most women don’t even know what S&M means. Five of them didn’t know till I told them on Sunday.

54% of couples cuddle up after sex. 17% dash to the loo to clean up, 10% light cigarettes. People – this is the surest test of lust and love.

Homosexuality. 42% believe Bombay is friendly to gays, 43% think they’re more susceptible to AIDS, 29% believe they shouldn’t be treated differently. Well, as long as they stay away from me, I’m ok. Doc wouldn’t like it, you see. Commitment and all that.

Well, that’s all the survey had. I can think of a few people who’d be turning red right about now.

There have been other reactions too. Bitchy freaked seeing the pictures. "How can this trash be delivered to family homes with kids around????"

Slappy...turned red. Stayed that way for about 36 hours.

Milee...brought home a book to educate Slappy with. Wonder of wonders, Slappy started reading.

And I’m going to sign off by asking for feedback on this episode. Especially the ladies. Tell us about what you think, your experiences (or lack thereof).

In the meanwhile, I’m gonna grab that supplement and head off to the loo for some...er...recreation.

Opposite Sex

Opposite Sex
5th February 2005

Not for the first time in my life, I’m wondering what makes women tick.

What puts thoughts into their heads? What makes them do those cuckoo things like shaving their legs? What makes them respond positively to men who treat them with detachment, and outright reject those who try to get close?

It’s the last question that’s been running through my head for a while, and it’s spurred off a series of conversations and insights into the female psyche. Of course, if I really want to know what a woman is thinking, I could just ask Doc – but then, I have to grow up some time.

There’s this girl, let’s call her Boxer. Tall, fair, slim, long dark hair, attractive face. The moment we met I could sense a certain chemistry in the air – not too far removed from the chemistry I once shared with Smelly.

At the time, I was struggling to deal with my break-up with Sweetie. And part of that involved subscribing to an email newsletter on dating tips. The advice, in a nutshell, was, "Run away from a woman. Treat her like she doesn’t give a damn. Be cocky and funny. Bang! (no pun intended) She’s yours."

Being in a rather confused state about the women in my life, I decided to give it a shot. Teased her, pulled her leg, was a smartass. Well, she didn’t slap me, and she didn’t stop talking to me either.

I didn’t make any moves. In fact, I recently realised that I didn’t need the newsletter – cocky and funny is who I am, naturally. So I relaxed even more. And Boxer warmed up to me even more. I call her that because she hits me playfully every time I tease her.

So one day I find myself in a conversation with Legs, asking her how the hell to ask Boxer out. Legs tells me to be Mr. Nice Guy. Phooey! Ain’t worked for 24 years, damned if it’s gonna work now. So I keep the leg-pulling going.

And next thing I know, Boxer’s telling me that I don’t drop by at her desk anymore, telling me to try harder, etc., etc. And I’m pushing back, pulling leg. And slowly the talk turns to movies, and we end up making a tentative plan to go out.

Wow!

On the other hand, let’s compare the Mr. Nice Guy approach I’ve been using since, like, FOREVER! Legs, my first love. Couldn’t think of me as anything more than a friend, and stayed that way even after I told her of my feelings for her. Sweetie, well, I didn’t play games with her, even when I was trying to get back with her. Now we’re apart. Look what Mr. Nice Guy got me.

But the moment I do play some games, I – tentatively, God-willing, hearken to my words o Almighty One – score!!!

Then there’s the strange thing with my sweetheart. It seems that, whenever a guy tries to get with her (and she doesn’t really care much about him), she tells him that she likes me! And it so happens that I’ve messaged or called her at precisely the time when she’s talking to that guy. So she tells him all about me – without, mind you, saying that we’re seeing each other – and he promptly surrenders and turns away sadly.

Feels good to be top-of-mind recall. I recently asked her to be my backup plan, and she agreed. Love that girl.

In fact, she’s been asking me today about Legs. As in, is Legs seeing someone. The moment I said no, my sweetheart tells me that I should start seeing her.

Hmmm. Interesting thought. As if it hasn’t crossed my mind at least thrice every goddamn day!!!

There’s a colleague who’s a senior of mine from Jai Hind. Ada’s worked with Legs, and naturally, they got talking. Since then, Ada’s been trying to play Cupid. Insists that the two of us are made for each other.

I deny it to Ada, but actually, I agree. I’ve never felt that any woman could be more perfectly suited to me. We’ve always shared a great mental rapport, been close emotionally, and she’s beautiful too! We complement each other. She’s spontaneous, outgoing, outspoken. I’m reserved, practical and straightforward. An amazing jodi that’ll never come to life.

Actually, I’d rather not get together with either my sweetheart or Legs, or any other close girlfriend. Not unless the friendship suddenly blossoms into something more. I value them too much as friends to lose. I lost Sweetie completely when we broke up. I can’t lose these two.

Ok, back to Boxer.

I’ve been feeling really unsure of myself of late. Wondering if I was good for any woman. Then along comes Boxer and suddenly I’m feeling a whole lot more confident. A beautiful woman has more or less agreed to go for a movie with me. ME!!! Me of the jungle hair, the former geek (as Groper puts it), Mr. Nice Guy.

Amazing. There is a God.

It’s incredible. I bet she’d never have said yes if I’d stuck to her like glue. I’ve teased her, refused to let her intimidate me – and it’s worked. Only thing, I wish I knew why. The newsletter said that it’s because only really confident guys do this to women – and most guys aren’t confident. They play the glue.

Strange. Because I’m not feeling all that confident at this time. I don’t have much to be confident about.

Not so strangely enough, men are just the opposite. We like to be nice to a girl. We expect her to chase us. And we get put off when she plays hard-to-get. But, the only way to get women to chase us is to the anti-glue approach – which most of us aren’t quite willing to do.

Hmm…maybe that explains the number of single men these days.

Of course, none of these games will work on one’s close friends. They know me too well. So even if I did (out of some serious desperation) decide that I wanted to be with either Legs or my sweetheart – I couldn’t.

I’m not concerned about what happens with Boxer. Worst case, we’ll be the casual friends we are right now. Best case…hmmm…who can tell?

But for now I’m gonna stick with what works. Mr. Nice Guy, with some liberal doses of attitude. The Chandler-Ross combination finally meets Joey. And I’m gonna do it, no matter what.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.