2009: The Year In Review

Every newspaper does it. Heck, they advertise it, they earn big bucks from it. So I decided to try it myself.

Ladies, gentlemen and the undecided minority – FITM presents, 2009: The Year In Review.

As if the title didn’t tell you what this post is about.

I could ramble on, but then you’d probably go away and do more important things – like shaving your underarms or something – so here goes.

Spent most of January preparing for February. Said goodbye to my wife-to-be as she returned to the maaike for the last time as a kunwaari (hey, that rhymes with her name!). Caught up with friends, lived up the last days of my bachelor life. Had about seventeen million six hundred forty-one thousand eight hundred and fifty-six conversations with people about the wedding.

Got engaged in February. Got a nice watch as a gift. Got officially confirmed as an adult Hindu male. Begged for money. Got lots of folks drunk at one place. Danced like a maniac. Watched my pals put on a fantastic show. Got scandalised at my Navgrahi pooja. Put mehendi on my hand – just a drop, for shagun purposes only. Had a wedding-related panic attack – on the baraat horse. Got over it. Got hitched – also in February. Went on honeymoon. Realised I’d be waking up first for the rest of my life.

Played Holi after God-alone-knows how many years. Was rather good at it – was accused of being a terrorist by a drenched and spluttering mom-in-law.

Worked very hard. Got frustrated with my boss. Drowned my frustrations in Caol Ila. Got legal proof from the government that we’re married.

Work frustration went through the roof. Threatened to quit job. New opportunity was promptly pushed through by the Silent Assassin. Got a new phone to celebrate 3 months. Made Woodside Inn our home pub. Apologies to Mondy’s.

Enjoyed married life. Binge-watched Scrubs with the wife. Discovered How I Met Your Mother. Binge-watched that too.

Bought a 32” Vu LCD TV. And a DivX-compatible Philips DVD player. Entertainment unit set up, no need to move out of bedroom. Except for food and loo breaks.

Bought the wife a phone. An HTC Touch Diamond. First she loved it. Now she hates it.

Churned out the next big campaign. My last mainline campaign. Switched over to digital. Figured out that my name in binary is 40 characters long. For the curious, it’s 0111001101100001011011010110100101110100.

Discovered the Kindle. Jumped up and down when they launched the international version. Still jumping up and down, hoping someone will buy it for me.

Discovered Avatar: The Last Airbender. Got typhoid. Stayed home for 3 weeks. Binge-watched Avatar. Played PS2. Taught Slappy and the Nag poker. Whined when they beat me at it.

Mourned when MJ died. Played his music all day long. Wiki’d him, Tweeted about him. RIP, Billy Jean.

Started rocking digital. Made some friends. Made some enemies. Hobnobbed with senior management. Started feeling famous. If yet underpaid. And overworked.

Wrote a bit more of the book. Got more critics. Still awaiting their criticism. And the time to finish writing it.

Started re-running The West Wing for project research. Ended up re-running The West Wing for sheer entertainment.

Moved out of my parents’ home. Bought furniture. And vegetables. Even tomatoes.

That brings to a close the Review. We hope you enjoyed reading it. If you did, I have a reward for you here (girls, click here). If you didn’t enjoy it, then you may go here.

See you in 2010. Have a rocking New Year, folks.

The Story of Jane and John Diss

Once upon a time, there was a young couple, Jane and John Diss. And, as young couples go, they were very much in love. They had been managed to put up with each others’ shenanigans for three years, and had decided, on that basis, to get married in a few months’ time.

As I have mentioned before, the two were deeply in love, and wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. So they’d meet almost every single day after work, and go out together – for movies, dinners, drives, ice cream…whatever caught their fancy.

Wedding talks had just recently concluded between their parents, to the satisfaction of all concerned. There was much excitement in the air because, children, marriages come once in a lifetime (twice, thrice at the most), and are made in Heaven.

The Disses had just settled on the wedding venue, and the fun part was around the corner – the shopping.

Then, one fine Saturday afternoon, Jane Diss fell ill.

It didn’t seem like anything serious. Just fever. But it didn’t go away. It carried on through Sunday. And on Monday, Jane went to work and just came back, feeling sick.

John was spending his time working really hard, and worrying really badly.

So Doc came over to meet Jane, and told her to stay home. And she did. But she didn’t feel much better. She went back to work on Wednesday, but was bedridden on Thursday and Friday.

On Friday, a worried John took the day off, and summoned the pathologist to draw a sample of blood from Jane’s veins (and that, children, is sheer poetry). And woe! Because the results, obtained later that evening, suggested that Jane had contracted jaundice.

John’s parents immediately took their soon-to-be daughter-in-law under their wing. Special food was prepared for her. She was sent to spend the night under the roof of Doc, whose parents are also practitioners of the medical arts. Thank Heavens for that, children, for do you know what happens in jaundice? You cannot retain any food. You feel breathless and uneasy. And Jane went through all of that, multiple times, that Friday night. So bad, that it took a late-night injection to quell her symptoms.

On Saturday, John took Jane for an ultrasound to determine if the bile ducts in her liver were obstructed. Thankfully, this was not the case. But later that evening came the shocking news! Jane had contracted not just Hepatitis A (the usual cause of jaundice), but Hepatitis E as well!

The next evening, Jane’s worried parents arrived from Delhi to take their ailing daughter into their care. And a Godsend that was, children. For John’s soon-to-be in-laws took strict and loving care of their daughter. Not allowing outside food. Making sure she got the right nutrition. Crushing eighteen sweet limes a day for their juice. Anything to make their daughter better.

And, as John Diss worked really hard to finish a campaign, Jane Diss started to recover.

John would meet her almost every night, spending time with her and her parents. Fetching them books, magazines and comics to make their time in Bombay a little more leisurely. For their part, John’s parents turned in a sterling performance, visiting often and taking Jane’s folks out for dinners and brunches. This had a twofold effect, children. It meant that Jane’s parents were kept entertained, and that John and Jane managed to snatch some time out together.

As Jane recovered her strength, her folks decided to take her to Delhi. They would therefore be able to get back to work, and yet take excellent care of her. And so it was ordained. And before John could blink twice, Jane was winging her way to her hometown.

The weeks stretched by, long and lonely, for John. What was there for him when Jane was gone? He was too busy to meet his friends very often. And while bonding over the phone is possible, it is also limited, children, as you will find out when you grow up.

Then, one weekend, John decided to go to Delhi to visit his sweetheart. And simultaneously, meet her Grandfather, something on which Jane was very keen. And so he flew to Delhi, where he spent a glorious 28 hours with his wife-to-be and her family. Then he flew back. And was promptly despatched to Bangalore for a meeting on Tuesday.

When John Diss awoke at 4.15 AM on Tuesday, he was running a fever, and really not feeling all that well. Yet, he pushed on through the day, popping paracetamol tablets at regular intervals. He returned home later that evening, knackered. The next day, it was worse. He went to work feeling miserable, and returned feeling worse. On Thursday, he took the day off.

By now, his stomach had started acting up. Doc’s dad examined John, and pronounced antibiotics. But they didn’t help. After agonising all weekend, John noticed that his urine had turned dark yellow on Sunday afternoon. And on Monday, blood tests confirmed his worst suspicions. He too, had contracted jaundice. Hepatitis A, to be precise.

The rest was obvious. Jane Diss returned to Bombay after her birthday ( that very Tuesday) to be with her ailing boyfriend. Who, as the latest blood tests confirm, is recovering slowly.

And that, children, is the story of John and Jane Diss. A story of two people who fell in love, so deeply that when one fell sick, so did the other. A story of true love.

Love's Labour Lost

I'm starting off with the earliest FeetITM. Once I've gone through these, I'll upload the current season. Enjoy...

Love’s Labour Lost
3rd May 2001

Something’s happened. Something that has just changed my life – for better or worse, I know not – something that still has me stunned.

It all started when I met her. Long legs, cute smile and an attitude to match. Total chemistry. And then, on the 19th of April, at about 1.15 AM, after a conversation I later realised was aimed at pulling me out of a confused shell, I had my first kiss.

I really am amazed at her bravado. Most girls are quite terrified at the idea of engaging in lip-lock with yours truly.

Anyway, I am not going to blather on about how I was manipulated, or how great it felt, or how far we have gone. That is really none of your business.

A few nights later, on what has now become part and parcel of my routine, we decided to enjoy our newfound passion at Worli. To be more specific, Worli Sea Face. We landed up there around 12.30 AM, and had just begun to relax, when our friendly neighbourhood Pandu havaldar showed up.

Not in any mood to understand that I was being trained at the hands – or should I say lips? – of a master, he irritably waved us off. Shades of Navalkar and Swaraj? We didn’t bother to find out, but sped back to the locale of our first experience together – Nariman Point.

We’ve just realised how lucky we were that night. For the only person who could have spiked our wheels was a sleepy watchman, who we later figured was enjoying a show. He must have gotten bored later – we did get monotonous to watch. I must add here that we did have a lovely time – the babe’ll probably kick me if I suggest otherwise.

The other night, we proceeded on our nightly jaunt. Drove into Nariman Point quite confidently, only to find it blockaded. By a fleet of taxicabs. Gun-runners and lovers, beware! Overwhelmed by sheer force of numbers, we beat an honourable retreat, to kiss another night.

But two young people with active hormones are not to be denied. We then decided to explore Colaba, and damn near got lost around Navy Nagar. No secluded khopcha here either. We then proceeded to get lost somewhere around Mantralaya, where we were able to spend a few precious moments together. Ably guarded by the watchfully lusty eyes of a couple of cabbies and a watchman.

And we have no idea where to go the next time around. What with the idea that public displays of affection are contrary to Indian culture, couples around town have nowhere to go when feeling even slightly amorous. So, in the best interest of love – and me and the babe – I compile a list of a few possible late night hangouts around South Mumbai.

• The little lane near the National Centre for the Performing Arts (NCPA), outside Ashoka Hall. The dogs put a spanner in the works – I think they expect to be allowed to go at it in total privacy.
  
• The bylanes around Mantralaya. With watchmen and cabbies always hanging around to give budding exhibitionists an extra thrill.
  
• The area near Hanging Gardens and Café Naaz, provided there ain’t too much traffic coming through. A lovely view, hopefully no cops.
  

Chowpatty beach, at Rs. 15 an hour. However, one – two – cannot go too far. Get more adventurous than a hug and you are promptly warned. The heat could also be detrimental to romantic interests and stripping to stay cool may lead to temporary internship in a city gaol.

I haven’t been in this relationship long enough to explore the underbelly of our oh-so-liberal city completely. If you know a few spots around South Mumbai where one – two – can canoodle in peace, please be kind enough to let us know. The babe and I will be extremely grateful.

Which leaves me with one stray thought. Navalkar and the ilk hate kissing in public. Wonder if he’d allow us to use his guest bedroom…