Prenuptial Pangs

That time has finally come. Today, Slappy’s folks arrive in town, with the express purpose of meeting my folks to plan our wedding.

It’s scary.

The way we’ve planned it, there’s about 8 months to go for the big occasion. Therefore, there’s just 8 months left for me as a bachelor boy.

My super-boss, the Silent Assassin, pried out the news of this event from me yesterday. And will now be doing his best to convince me that I shouldn’t be wanting to get married just yet. He says that I’m in a good space right now, and I should be able to enjoy myself for a while longer before taking up the responsibilities of biwi and ghar.

And that conversation has been whirling around in my head ever since.

I’ve been asking myself if there’s anything I regretted not doing all this while I was single or while seeing Slappy. I think I have some answers.

The biggest regret is not getting over my breakup with Ficklechick much before I actually did. I wish I’d been stronger then. I regret that I didn’t focus on myself, instead of focusing on her and an increasingly impossible ‘us’. It would have given me the time to enjoy being single, and to get to know myself all over again. It would have given me the time to readjust to being the person I want to be, before I met Slappy, not after. And it would have helped Slappy and me avoid some of the pitfalls and problems we’ve had together.

I regret not working harder, both at office and as a freelancer. I would have done better, earned more and been far more comfortable than I am now. And I would have never had to compromise on things that I wanted.

I regret not travelling more, especially alone. The Kuala Lumpur trip (to watch the Grand Prix) was bittersweet, coming at the time it did. But it gave me a chance to meet a few new people, be myself and do what I wanted to do without any constraints. Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford to travel as much as I’d liked to have, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I regret not loving myself more, not pampering myself more. I always saw (and somewhere still see) myself as the extremely responsible type, working hard and saving up to fulfil my responsibilities towards my family and my future family. I wish I’d been more irresponsible. I wish I’d fulfilled some of the responsibilities I owe myself.

I regret giving up badminton. And not being able to find a new, regular exercise programme.

I regret not being bolder than I am.

I regret not being able to live on my own. Not having my own room, my own space. Not being able to live the way I want to, independently, and completely free of constraints.

I regret drifting from old friends. People who’ve been with me for years and years. People I care for very much, who will always be there for me no matter how far away. Hopefully, this is the one big regret I have the time to correct.

I regret not having a college romance. I wish I’d had more time and more experience with women. I might have understood them better. Without having to watch Sex and the City.

It seems like a long list. But there’s one common thread running through them all – a desire to have known myself better, been more sure of who I am and what I want.

Seems like there is something to what my boss had to say yesterday.

But the thing is, when I asked Slappy to marry me, there was (is) one big factor that far outweighs everything else.

I want to.