Terror At Radio Club

A couple of days ago, all members of the Bombay Presidency Radio Club at Colaba were surprised, shocked and petrified (in that order) after seeing two notices up on the notice board.

Apparently, our intelligence agencies and the police have evidence of a credible terror threat against Radio Club.

The most obvious reason would be the Club’s most famous (and most disputed) landmark – the Pier. Which would offer visiting terrorists an easy landing point, and quick access to posh Colaba and the Taj Mahal Hotel.

But we at FITM believe that there are deeper reasons for terrorists to strike at the Club. So, we did some digging, and the facts we unearthed are rather extraordinary.

• The terrorists seek revenge for the bad service they got at the bar on a crowded Saturday night. They actually had to wait 20 minutes for a gin-and-tonic, despite waving their AK47s threateningly at the waiters.
• The terrorists seek revenge for the food poisoning their glorious leader experienced from an undercooked, over-spiced chicken tikka. The resultant vomiting and diarrhoea seriously cramped his style, occurring when he was visiting his Mumbai girlfriend while her parents were away.
• The terrorists feel they were cheated out of the Bumper Housie Jackpot. They argue that the result was fixed, and the winners’ cue was the announcer calling out, “Two fat ladies…!”
• The terrorists were outraged when they were overcharged for a shuttlecock at the Badminton Court. A 125% mark-up is just too much for God-fearing, gun-toting bandits to swallow.
• The terrorists’ mission is to exterminate the Club decorator, a Mr. Mashru. Apparently he’s a liar and a cheat and didn’t provide clean carpets for the leader’s sister’s wedding.
• The terrorists believe they were cheated out of victory at the Club elections. The election loss put paid to their plans to convert the Club into a local base for terror activities. Complete with an obstacle course for new recruits.
• The terrorists are angry at the blatant accusations of corruption and embezzlement levelled at the Club Committee. They believe that all perks and benefits should accrue only to them. Free food and drink for the rest of their lives.
• Pakistani authorities have cut off the terrorists’ water supply in a move to gain additional terror funding from the US of A. The terrorists simply want to have a bath, and perhaps a leisurely Sunday morning swim after.
• The terrorist weren’t able to procure passes for the Club’s New Year programme, and this is an elaborate gate-crashing exercise. Their planned entertainment includes a fireworks display with real grenades.

As patriotic, civic-minded persons, we at FITM have passed on this information to the authorities, who have promised to investigate further. Commandos have been posted all around the Club for security.

And, of course, the terrifying notices have been pulled down from the notice board – because people were getting too scared reading them!