Sex In This City

Sex In This City
14th November 2005

I awoke on Saturday, in a rush to get to work. As usual, there were only babies on my brain. All that, however, was about to change.

I showered, dressed, admired my handsome self in the mirror. Then strolled out to the hall for a spot of breakfast. And came face-to-face with my favourite topic in the whole wide world – sex.

It seems that a certain tabloid, in its Saturday "lifestyle" supplement, has dared to research the city’s attitudes towards sex. Especially as pertains to the city’s youth. Well. Well, well, well. Babies were suddenly forgotten, as I settled to read.

Now, nothing about sex has ever shocked me since I landed up in Pune, and got the culture shock of seven lifetimes. However, said research has shocked plenty of people I know. So, I put myself forward, and decided to put this survey in a different light.

It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

The survey is "a comprehensive sexual map" of the city. Hmmm. Totally believable. Given the sort of photographs that adorn the pages of the supplement. Enough to get a teenage nerd to roll up the supplement and head into the bathroom for an hour or so of creative...er...recreation. Not me, you understand. Not me.

Before you even think of asking – no, I will not reveal any details of my sexual past or present in this article. All ideas expressed are my own personal views, and do not relate to my experience or lack thereof.

First point. It seems 58% of the city’s students have had sex. 13% did it aged between 15 and 18. Okay, then. My teenage years had a lot of sex. Most of it was in my mind. Where was I while everyone else was getting a piece of the action? Probably er...recreating in the loo.

Most men have watched porn, it says. Understandable. Unless you’re a woman. It’s a guy thing, ladies. Like it’s a girl thing to run off to the loo with company (recreation? Hmm?) when in public.

16% of respondents have sex with partners who are not their spouses or significant others. Waah! Not only do they have sex, but they have sex with multiple people. Some people have all the luck.

One-third of the women have had sex on the beach. Or made out in an elevator, swimming pool, or in public. Every guy’s fantasy come true.

79% of men masturbate, 41% of women masturbate. Yeah, I admit it. We guys are hormone-driven. I’ve heard that guys think about sex once every six seconds. Come on...we need some relief!

Half the respondents favour the missionary position, then the woman on top or doggy-style. Half haven’t tried oral, anal, group, cyber, phone or bisexual sex. Come on, people. There’s a lot more kinkiness to be found if you just free your minds!

9% would try to spice up their sex life with fruit-flavoured condoms, dildos, cross-dressing, spanking or even spouse-swapping. Hmmm. These people obviously go further than I could think of.

Now for commercial sex. I’m firmly against the world’s oldest profession (sorry, ladies), so I shall not comment. Except to say, "Shame on you!"

However, 60% redeem themselves when they say that sex with CSWs is the biggest cause of AIDS and STDs.

24% of married women and 20% of married men have tried swapping partners. Obviously women tire more easily of their men. Looks like we guys need to learn some new tricks to keep our gals.

Half the respondents feel that living in is better than marriage. I think it’d be a good precursor to marriage. Almost that many feel that marriage is no more than a permit to have sex. Don’t know about that, but it’s mainly a permit for guys to lose most of their freedoms...

19% of males have visited "massage" parlours. Obviously I don’t know my city too well. Try as I might, I haven’t found any. The closest I came was a Kerala massage by two hatta-khatta Malayali males...

31% of youth have issues marrying a non-virgin, and 20% believe that she should stay a virgin till marriage. I think most males have only one problem with non-virgins – penis envy. Or, in other words, worrying about the guys she slept with before marriage. Talk about insecurity.

26% of people rate lavender, chocolate and musk as arousing scents, in that order. For me, it’s a particular perfume...er...we will not talk about it right now, koff, koff.

31% of men get most aroused by lingerie. Woo-hoo baby! Nothing like sexy lingerie! What’s hidden is sometimes far more erotic than what’s revealed.

34% of people have had multiple partners, 20% have had pre-marital sex with CSWs, Internet friends or tutors. Again. I feel very, very left out. Where I was I...?

Fantasies. Ahem. 66% of men share their fantasies with their partner, 58% of women do the same. Big turn-on for some, I think. Very bold, very sensual. Would make for an interesting night ahead. What’s your fantasy?

Sexual harassment. A big no-no in my book. And it seems, unfortunately, that most people have faced it. And it seems that more men are willing to give sexual favours to advance careers. Not surprising. We’d get a raise, and good sex as well. Hormones controlling our thinking, I guess.

Oh yes, everyone (except businessmen) practices (or claims to) safe sex.

69% of youth believe that oral sex is normal and common, 59% agree it should not be forced. I’d always thought oral sex meant the man yelling at the woman, "F*** you!" and the woman yelling back, "F*** you too!"

18% wouldn’t agree to S&M, but 12% of guys have tried it. In my experience, most women don’t even know what S&M means. Five of them didn’t know till I told them on Sunday.

54% of couples cuddle up after sex. 17% dash to the loo to clean up, 10% light cigarettes. People – this is the surest test of lust and love.

Homosexuality. 42% believe Bombay is friendly to gays, 43% think they’re more susceptible to AIDS, 29% believe they shouldn’t be treated differently. Well, as long as they stay away from me, I’m ok. Doc wouldn’t like it, you see. Commitment and all that.

Well, that’s all the survey had. I can think of a few people who’d be turning red right about now.

There have been other reactions too. Bitchy freaked seeing the pictures. "How can this trash be delivered to family homes with kids around????"

Slappy...turned red. Stayed that way for about 36 hours.

Milee...brought home a book to educate Slappy with. Wonder of wonders, Slappy started reading.

And I’m going to sign off by asking for feedback on this episode. Especially the ladies. Tell us about what you think, your experiences (or lack thereof).

In the meanwhile, I’m gonna grab that supplement and head off to the loo for some...er...recreation.