When It Rains

When It Rains…
30th January 2005

To be honest, I was - and still am - a little afraid of putting up this year's columns, starting January. The lead up to this season has been one of the roughest periods of my life, and the thoughts expressed are intensely private. But then, I took heart in the fact that all you guys who read FITM regularly have known what's been happening in my life. And have stood by me through thick and thin. So here it is. FITM - Season Two. And... thanks, everyone. For everything.

It has been a very long time since I’ve written. Nearly three years, in fact. It’s taken me a hell of a lot of growing up to realise that. It’s taken two years of industry experience – enjoyable, frustrating, rewarding; two years of finding love and then losing it; two years of making new friendships, breaking some friendships and rebuilding old ones – all in all, a hell of a long time.

A lot has happened in my life in the last year or so, and that’s what’s driven me back to this column.

I met a girl in SIMC, a junior of mine. Let’s call her Sweetie. She was cute, tall, slim, dusky. One of the most caring people I’d seen then. We got together as a couple about ten days after our first date, and life was good.

Looking back at some of my old FITM columns, I remember wondering – "Mera number kab aayega?" Well, I thought this was it. I was happier than I’d ever been. We spent a glorious year-and-a-half together, before she dumped me. Then she said she wanted to get back together. Then she said she didn’t. Then she said she loved somebody else, and that’s when all my waiting came to nought.

The story of my relationship with Sweetie is told elsewhere, and I do not want to bore more people with the tale. My friends, especially Doc (DJ) and Groper, have had it up to here with my whiny self-pitying. Ask them!

Last year, my dad’s business failed. Tensions mounted at home between mom and dad. Amma was in hospital twice. Then dad landed up needing an emergency clot removal in December 2004. The strain has been immense. He’s recuperating now, all went well. He’s selling off his old office, and looking for a new one while he tries to decide what to do. Financially things aren’t good.

Damn it! No matter how hard I try, I can’t sink into my old style of writing FITM. I guess it’s a reflection of how I’ve changed as a person in the last 8-9 months. The humour’s gone from my writing – but maybe that’s because I haven’t written.

I owe you an apology, dear PC. It was only when I wrote the story of my relationship with Sweetie a few days ago that I realised how cathartic writing had been for me. How it helped me put my feelings down on paper, and remain more or less stable. How it’s reflected my positive attitude in life.

But that attitude’s gone now. My romantic life came screeching to a halt, things began to get shaky at home – all at the same time. I’ve often wondered why, but I’m no philosopher. All I can think is, when it rains, it pours.

Why the hell am I so sad? Why the hell is it reflecting on my writing? I’m laughing sardonically – and now I realise I’m using words like ‘sardonically’. Aargh!

Ok, let’s do this. Time for round 1. In the left corner, the Brain. In the right corner, the Heart. Referee, ring the bell!

Not all has been negative. Okay, I’ve lost the only person I’ve ever really loved. But maybe there’s something positive about that too. What? Beats me. Okay, things have been strained at home. Some positives – my family’s rebuilding, and I’d sacrifice every lover I will ever have for that.

My friends – well, what do I say about my friends? Amazing, incredible, supportive, loving. Groper, Doc, The Nag, Seniorita (not to be confused with Senorita), Minty, The Drunken Painting Poet, Srimati…not to mention the troika – S, A and K – my best friend, sweetheart and Legs. They’ve held me when I’ve wept (and, believe me, I’ve wept a lot, I’m not ashamed to say it, I’m secure in my masculinity). They’ve cheered me up out of a blue funk on my birthday by surprising the hell out of me. I can’t thank them enough.

Minty and I have become very close over the last year. She’s been a true friend – as predicted by Sweetie, when we were together and I doubted Minty.

Groper and I – well, I’ve helped her through a torrid patch with FBW, her boyfriend. And I’m glad to say they’re happy together and things are rolling along. And she and I have become closer than we ever were. I talk to her three times a day! Man! What would I ever do without her.

And Doc? That man amazes me. I was an idiot after he broke up with my best friend, hurt her. Because I convicted him in my mind. Throughout my problems with Sweetie, he’s stuck by me. Advised me, comforted me, even talked to her and tried to help us get back together. That dude is full of surprises!

My job goes on well, I think. I’m still at Lowe, where I’d joined after doing an internship the previous summer. Bosses like me, I think. But I’m disappointed with myself. Haven’t done anything that’s gone for an award. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I need to focus again – and I will.

What to do about Sweetie? Well, is there anything more I can do? Nope. Time to regain some of my self-respect and self-confidence and shut her out of my life, and let her sort out things on her own. Good luck to her. I’ve got to get the mind back to more important things. Like work. And figuring out what the hell to do with my hair – ‘cause some things just don’t change.

Interesting. This is something I did with Smelly all those years ago. It worked – refer Return of the Prodigal Girlfriend. How dumb could I have been? Why didn’t I just do this months ago and save myself so much heartache!

This time it’s tougher. The relationship was far, far deeper. It’s gonna take all I’ve got to get out of this.

Like I said, when it rains, it pours. It’s been a tough time. I’ve lost sight of who I truly am, or want to be – more like the guy I was when I left Jai Hind. Happier, more confident, mentally and emotionally stronger, more optimistic.

Ok, enough whining. This doesn’t read like an FITM anymore. Reads like some sort of agony aunt column…hmmm…there’s an idea. I’ve always been a pretty good listener. Maybe I can add a new dimension to my writing – advice!

One thing for sure though. I’m not leaving FITM again. Every time there’s something to report in my life, I’m gonna write it down right over here. I’m gonna get back to being the person I used to be.

And this column will read like it once used to.

I’ll be back.