Super Selector

Super Selector
18th November 2001

The new game show on ESPN-Star Sports has caught everybody’s fancy. Being the slowish, lazy piece of shit that I am, I haven’t registered – yet.

Now – why don’t they think of something like this for the Indian cricket team?

It’s a rather simple system I have devised. All of my own doing. The selectors start by hiring some rather impressive statisticians. The latter should be thorough experts at their jobs. Ideally, they should be able to comprehend the Samsung cricket ratings formulae.

Then these statisticians should travel all around the country, compiling information on all cricket matches. Based on points awarded, the team should be selected.

It won’t work. This article is being written in a pique, as I have been watching the Indian cricket team being mauled by the South Africans for three days now.

The attitude of our ghaatis continues to amaze me. Till they went out to bat it was uncertain who’d open. Ganguly, in a fit of bravado, declares that he is considering the job. Then he throws young Dasgupta into the arena and sits back watching the fun.

Add to this uncertainty and criticism of the team selection before the game.

Multiply some negative attitude, uncertain captaincy and poor umpiring and you get the formula for another debacle by the cricketers.

I tell you now – as I have been telling anybody who’d listen – that I should be selecting this side. Unfortunately, there are not many who do listen. Those few include my hapless family and a few friends. None of them is in the position to push me in as a selector.

I plan to bring in some more Bombayites. Guys like Pawar and Jaffer. Persevere with Agarkar. Drop Dasgupta and return to Dighe or blood Ratra. Keep Tendulkar as captain, with all the freedom he wants. And then watch the fun.

This article shall be forwarded the BCCI as a letter affirming my candidature as a selector.

I’ve been fairly good at selecting people for jobs. As can be seen from my prowess at SIMC. First with the convocation and then with the organisation of Footprints.

Which brings me to an interesting point. Smelly’s behaviour – weird once again. She’s been behaving like nothing ever happened. She’s even been desperate for me to join her at her place for lunch – with the rest of the gang of course.

However, being the sort of unforgiving person that I am, I refused.

That’s okay. I think I’m in line for a new girlfriend soon. Srimati and I have been getting very close for a while now, graduating to flirting online and hugs in person. I think I’m in for a very interesting time upon my return.

My other current obsession is Douglas Adams’ immortal trilogy in four parts (now five). Which has inspired me to take off on J K Rowling’s Harry Potter series.

Rejoice, cruel world! Hari Poddar is on his way.

As you can see, I select the right things to spoof. The question is whether I should go into partnership with Legs or DJ. Legs and I have done Titanic. DJ and I are keedas of the first magnitude.

Or should I team up with my pal Ads? Or go in one my own.

Forget what I said earlier. This selector is stumped for the moment.