Burning Out

Burning Out
12th September 2001

I don’t think it’s ever happened to me before. Not as far as I can remember, at least. I’m hoping that it’s just a passing phase, one that I’ll snap out of soon.

What’s happened is that I’m feeling absolutely burnt out. Since I returned from Bombay last week, I don’t seem to have the will to work. The motivation, the desire, the determination – all seem to have vanished into thin air.

Some of it may be due to the slackening of the pace at SIMC. College started with a bang as students were set a frenetic pace and challenged to cope. I believe that I was able to cope. More than just cope with the pace, I revelled in it.

Now things are dull. As trainees rush around in fits of nervous panic trying to confirm their internships, I try my best to keep awake in class. I’ve missed more 8 am classes these last two weeks than I’ve missed through these three months. No projects and very few assignments. Can I be wholly blamed?

I’ve tried to get back into the pace. I’ve taken over the Cyber Club (to be renamed, I assure you) and have been appointed Coordinator for Nationwide Footprints, Mumbai. However, it hasn’t helped much.

Now all I want to do is go back to Bombay and begin my internship with Ambience d’Arcy. I shall return home next Tuesday for my surgery, scheduled for Thursday. After which I’ll be studying for the mid-term exam and preparing for my syllabus presentation. I return to Pune on the 2nd of October and come home once and for all on 7th October.

I’ve also been feeling very low about life. I don’t want to socialise much. I’m having mood swings. And people who know me are noticing.

It’s probably because I’m more than a little pissed off with my best friend. I’ve been feeling like this for three weeks – feeling that she’s got absolutely no time for me.

In Bombay, when I called her, she’d always tell me that she’d call back because she was talking to somebody else. If she remembered to call, she’d do so after an hour and then tell me to talk quickly because she only had five minutes to spare.

I can’t call her from Pune. She’s busy with classes in the evening, and calling her after 8.30 pm makes life difficult for her at home vis-à-vis her parents. The only recourse is to call on Wednesdays, but madam is generally busy studying. I don’t want to disturb her from that. I haven’t received an email from her in a very long time. Last week when we saw a movie in a group, I felt very left out. The only person who noticed it was my sweetheart.

If she’s got the time to go out with other others and talk to them for hours on the phone, then she’s definitely got the time to talk to me. The day Smelly tried to patch things up with me, I called my best friend. And the first thing she tells me is to make it quick. Putting me off completely.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it. I’ve emailed the gang saying I’ll be home next week. Now I’ll call her when I get there, and we’ll see what happens.

I’ve always felt that friendship has to be both ways. I can’t be the only one calling. Therein lies the crux.

The one friend who’s been in constant touch has been Legs, both via email and telephone.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to my return. And I’m singing for somebody to come on and re-light my fire.

Apologies to Jim Morrison.