Ahchoo!

Yep, you guessed it. I’m sick.

Physically, that is, to match very well with the sick mind that most people tell me I possess. (What are you wearing to bed tonight, honey?)

It’s a Sunday, and I’ve been home suffering since Friday. In fact, I’ve been suffering since Thursday, when the fever and cold first took hold.

And since I’m suffering (I tell you, Gabbar and Mogambo got it wrong, the best torture implement is the cold virus), I’ve decided to pass some of that suffering onto you!

(Sort of like how car companies increase prices and pass some of that burden onto their consumers.)

So this will be a gross blog. Reader discretion is advised, but (since you’re reading this), obviously sadly lacking.

Started off with the sniffles. Yes, the sniffles. Leaky, runny nose. At first, white mucus was coming out. Then it became yellowish mucus. Currently it’s alternating between white and yellow, and leaving my third handkerchief of the day rather colourful. In addition to very sticky and soggy.

In fact, my nose was leaking so badly, it was dripping. I was peeing, and as all boys do, aiming the pee at various strategic corners of the toilet. Sort of imagining myself as a soldier armed with a big…er…gun…drowning invading armies, etc.

So as I looked down at myself, my nose started dripping. Right into the pot. And it continued dripping. Even after I’d won the imaginary war and sheathed the…er…gun. Small drops of clear, transparent goo. Sort of like raindrops dripping off your face? Except considerably less hygienic.

For those grossed out readers: don’t give up yet, the end is nigh.

Apart from the sniffles is the sneezing. I’ve never sneezed as much in my life as I have over the last few days. Once in an hour (and I’ve timed this), I’ll start sneezing. Five times, six times. Loudly, explosively, wetly. Little drops of cold spraying from my nose, splattering my handkerchief, or the person unfortunate enough to be sitting near me. Then, sneezing done, I wipe my wet nose, and say, “Eggsgyooze be.”

By then said unfortunate person has usually transported himself/herself a few careful feet away in disgust.

For those grossed out readers: I lied.

Now the cough. Yes, the cough. I have that too. It’s buy 2 get 1 free season. It started as a throat-ache (headache in the throat?), and quickly developed into a full-fledged congested chest. You know, the sort of chest that gurgles and gravels every time you breathe. The sort of chest that chooses the most inopportune moments (damn I’m using big words tonight!) to hack the cough out. Such as when I’m busy sneezing.

That’s the worst, though. Cough and sneeze at the same time. Honestly, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. And then, worst of all, you end up swallowing the coughed-up phlegm. Then you’ll get to imagine those thick green-black blobs sliding down your throat into your stomach, where they’ll eventually get digested and contribute to your poor eating habits.

Yup, that’s sort of what’s happening with me. Except that the phlegm is no longer green-black, it’s just yellow-white. You know that colour – you see it every time you throw up.

But the standard colours are getting boring. Wouldn’t it be nicer if phlegm came in the colours of the rainbow, changing according to how well you are? Red could be a really bad case (blood mixed in the phlegm even), and violet could be a really mild case. And it’d be a nice indicator of how well the medicines were working.

Oh, did I mention the fever? Burning hot fever? Up almost to 101 this evening. I was so hot I sizzled. And then the feeling when the fever breaks. Suddenly you wake up, shirt drenched in sweat, like you’ve just made love with the AC off or run the Sahara Desert Marathon.

So that’s the story, that’s why I’ve been in bed (in a completely non-erotic way) for the last few days. I am on medication, and I hope to be back at work on Tuesday.

And maybe I’ll show my friends at work all that I’ve made you read through just now.