Resolutions

Resolutions?
16th April 2005

It’s about four-and-a-half months too late for a New Year’s Resolution (or two or three dozen), but here goes anyway.

Before I get started with this lengthy list, let me explain why I’m in this mood.

Simply, I’ve now been single for a year. And three days.

Sweetie and I parted the day after Sis’ birthday last year. That temporary break has turned into a permanent one.

It hasn’t been a good year after that. Things with Sweetie; at home; at work; Amma’s loss.

What’s getting me even more right now is that I can see no end. No light in the tunnel that’s my love life. Forget a romantic date, I can’t even get a friendly one, like with Boxer. Or anyone else, for that matter. Part of me has just given up on ever finding that special someone.

What about Sweetie? That was a fluke. An aberration. I don’t see a romance happening for a long while now.

I’ve never had any success chasing girls. Legs, my sweetheart…the list is actually endless. Seems the best way to get close to a gal is to be a friend. Unfortunately, that’s the way it stays with me.

Perfect friend material. Marriage material. That’s it. That’s the sort of comment I get from girls. I’m Mr. Nice Guy, no more.

At this point you’re wondering why I’m so obsessed about finding someone special. Simple. I’ve never had – until Sweetie – that sort of relationship with anyone. Sweetie didn’t work out. Back to square one.

Ask a blind man about what sight means to him. You’ll understand what I’m saying.

Last night was the unit party. I got drunk. Piss drunk. I’m still suffering the after-effects. This morning I’ve woken up thinking. Really low. Hence, the resolutions.


Here they are.

• I’ve given myself up till June 19th to figure out my future at Lowe. Until that time, I’m gonna slog my ass off. See if I can remotivate myself, relight the fire. I will probably start calling my contacts in the industry. But until things are decided, I’m going nowhere. I’m gonna get my focus back on work.
• I have certain responsibilities at home. With Dad getting back on his feet, I need to shoulder a huge responsibility. Apart from being a good son, I now need to become a good breadwinner.
• I’ve been sort of ignoring my friends of late. Even now I’m not in the frame of mind to call them. But that will change soon. I just want to repay them for what they’ve done for me.
• No chasing after friends. Legs, this colleague Sulkamitra (who Sweetie thought I was having an affair with), Boxer, nobody. I’ve tried to rebuild my friendship with Sulkamitra, but she doesn’t seem interested. Legs doesn’t have the time to meet me currently. Fine. No more chasing.
• No running after girls anymore. The hell with it. In the unlikely event that something develops, we’ll see. Otherwise – no. It’s just screwing me up, because I’m not a player, I’ve always struck out when I’ve asked a girl out. Something’s wrong, but I have other things to fix first.
  

That’s it then. This is actually the beginning of the year for me. After one year of hell, I’m hoping this one’s better.

I could be optimistic, I could say that things couldn’t get worse. But whenever I’ve said that, they’ve gotten worse.

As Gandalf once told Frodo, "It doesn’t matter what times we live in. What does matter, though, is what we do with the time that is given to us."

I’ll accept my fate. I’ll take on anything. The world seems to be conspiring against me. No miracles, no silver linings (actually, just one). But I’m gonna face it.

Round 1 has just begun.