Henpecked

So barely had I recovered from jaundice and returned to work (for a whole ten days!!!) than I was struck down again.

This time, it's chickenpox.

I know what you're thinking. Isn't that a kiddy disease? Well, yes, it is. But I didn't have chickenpox (or jaundice, malaria, measles or mumps) as a child, and now I'm making up for it.

It was last Saturday that I noticed myself covered in boils. They'd taken over me, from face to torso. There were even boils on my head! (Which I first attributed to Parachute After-Shower Hair Gel and swore to throw away, a resolution I can gladly give up, Parachute After-Shower Hair Gel rocks, thank you.)

And the worrying part was that only Mom has had it – neither Dad nor Sis were ever afflicted by chickenpox.

The cure – antibiotics to prevent the skin from remaining scarred (I'm getting married you see, and I have no time for Fair & Lovely's 3-month guarantee), anti-histamines and a soothing lotion.

Believe me, it's worse than jaundice. Why? Because of the isolation.

I now live alone in my room. Sis has moved into the folks' bedroom. So I spend most of the day alone, reading and re-reading books, faffing on my laptop and watching the rubbish they're serving up on TV these days.

Yeah, the folks have decided that if they had to have got the virus, then they've gotten it already. So they're not exactly keeping their distance – but neither are they getting too close.

And, of course, I've had to tell Slappy (and all my friends) to stay away.

So I've met Slappy precisely thrice over the last two weeks, with one more week of isolation to go.

Argh.

There are some interesting learnings from this experience, though.

Did you know that you can easily keep yourself entertained between 11 PM and 1.30 AM every night? At 11, tune in to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show on Zee Café. Move on to Friends on Star World at midnight. After that, Friends moves on to Zee Café. And then switch back to Star World for The Simpsons at 1 AM.

Fun, no?

The other learning is that daytime television has started sucking really badly. Even the movies.

The other thing that's caught my interest is the progression of the disease. The initial eruptions ripened into nice, fat boils – some of them filled with pus even. Then they started drying up and scabbing, and now, one by one, the scabs are beginning to fall off. Every time a scab comes off, I almost applaud.

(It's really getting frustrating in here.)

It has come to my notice that I can deliberately infect people with chickenpox by scabbing or bursting boils around them. So, for the heck of it, I drew up a (short) list of people I'd like to infect.

The owner of Befit Zone – yeah, you looking for it on the search engine, Befit Zone – for robbing Slappy and me out of our memberships. He refused to acknowledge that we'd gotten jaundice and weren't allowed to work out, and allowed our memberships to expire. On top of that, he was very rude to both of us, and even threatened me on the phone after I'd hung up on him.

A couple of clients come to mind, for frustrating me by shelving projects and work constantly.

Hmm. Obviously I didn't think too much on this, I've run out of targets.

So, anyway, I'm stuck in bed for another week. And I'm feeling rather sorry for myself. I've just spent a month in bed, and now I'm back there. Argh!

Don't laugh, or I'll burst a boil on you and then you'll be sorry.

The Story of Jane and John Diss

Once upon a time, there was a young couple, Jane and John Diss. And, as young couples go, they were very much in love. They had been managed to put up with each others’ shenanigans for three years, and had decided, on that basis, to get married in a few months’ time.

As I have mentioned before, the two were deeply in love, and wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. So they’d meet almost every single day after work, and go out together – for movies, dinners, drives, ice cream…whatever caught their fancy.

Wedding talks had just recently concluded between their parents, to the satisfaction of all concerned. There was much excitement in the air because, children, marriages come once in a lifetime (twice, thrice at the most), and are made in Heaven.

The Disses had just settled on the wedding venue, and the fun part was around the corner – the shopping.

Then, one fine Saturday afternoon, Jane Diss fell ill.

It didn’t seem like anything serious. Just fever. But it didn’t go away. It carried on through Sunday. And on Monday, Jane went to work and just came back, feeling sick.

John was spending his time working really hard, and worrying really badly.

So Doc came over to meet Jane, and told her to stay home. And she did. But she didn’t feel much better. She went back to work on Wednesday, but was bedridden on Thursday and Friday.

On Friday, a worried John took the day off, and summoned the pathologist to draw a sample of blood from Jane’s veins (and that, children, is sheer poetry). And woe! Because the results, obtained later that evening, suggested that Jane had contracted jaundice.

John’s parents immediately took their soon-to-be daughter-in-law under their wing. Special food was prepared for her. She was sent to spend the night under the roof of Doc, whose parents are also practitioners of the medical arts. Thank Heavens for that, children, for do you know what happens in jaundice? You cannot retain any food. You feel breathless and uneasy. And Jane went through all of that, multiple times, that Friday night. So bad, that it took a late-night injection to quell her symptoms.

On Saturday, John took Jane for an ultrasound to determine if the bile ducts in her liver were obstructed. Thankfully, this was not the case. But later that evening came the shocking news! Jane had contracted not just Hepatitis A (the usual cause of jaundice), but Hepatitis E as well!

The next evening, Jane’s worried parents arrived from Delhi to take their ailing daughter into their care. And a Godsend that was, children. For John’s soon-to-be in-laws took strict and loving care of their daughter. Not allowing outside food. Making sure she got the right nutrition. Crushing eighteen sweet limes a day for their juice. Anything to make their daughter better.

And, as John Diss worked really hard to finish a campaign, Jane Diss started to recover.

John would meet her almost every night, spending time with her and her parents. Fetching them books, magazines and comics to make their time in Bombay a little more leisurely. For their part, John’s parents turned in a sterling performance, visiting often and taking Jane’s folks out for dinners and brunches. This had a twofold effect, children. It meant that Jane’s parents were kept entertained, and that John and Jane managed to snatch some time out together.

As Jane recovered her strength, her folks decided to take her to Delhi. They would therefore be able to get back to work, and yet take excellent care of her. And so it was ordained. And before John could blink twice, Jane was winging her way to her hometown.

The weeks stretched by, long and lonely, for John. What was there for him when Jane was gone? He was too busy to meet his friends very often. And while bonding over the phone is possible, it is also limited, children, as you will find out when you grow up.

Then, one weekend, John decided to go to Delhi to visit his sweetheart. And simultaneously, meet her Grandfather, something on which Jane was very keen. And so he flew to Delhi, where he spent a glorious 28 hours with his wife-to-be and her family. Then he flew back. And was promptly despatched to Bangalore for a meeting on Tuesday.

When John Diss awoke at 4.15 AM on Tuesday, he was running a fever, and really not feeling all that well. Yet, he pushed on through the day, popping paracetamol tablets at regular intervals. He returned home later that evening, knackered. The next day, it was worse. He went to work feeling miserable, and returned feeling worse. On Thursday, he took the day off.

By now, his stomach had started acting up. Doc’s dad examined John, and pronounced antibiotics. But they didn’t help. After agonising all weekend, John noticed that his urine had turned dark yellow on Sunday afternoon. And on Monday, blood tests confirmed his worst suspicions. He too, had contracted jaundice. Hepatitis A, to be precise.

The rest was obvious. Jane Diss returned to Bombay after her birthday ( that very Tuesday) to be with her ailing boyfriend. Who, as the latest blood tests confirm, is recovering slowly.

And that, children, is the story of John and Jane Diss. A story of two people who fell in love, so deeply that when one fell sick, so did the other. A story of true love.

Conversations It's Safe To Have With Me

As indicated in my previous blog post (and my sidebar), Slappy’s folks came to Bombay to meet mine.

And yes, the proverbial wedding bells will be ringing. Or would have been, had this been a church wedding. The proper metaphor would be, “Wedding fires will be burning.”

Oh, the date. That’s right. February 15, in Bombay. The fun begins with our engagement on February 7 in Delhi. Then a cocktail party on February 13, in Bombay. Then, after everybody’s had sufficient time to recover from the hangovers, the wedding and the reception.

So, naturally, everyone at home is talking about the wedding.

All I get to hear is venues, dates, clothes, jewellery, shoes, guest lists, budgets, rooms, invites, blah, blah, blah. And I’m already beginning to get a little sick of it.

So, for all the people who I will meet soon, here’s some better things to talk to me about.

o “You’ve lost weight, you’re looking great!” Always welcome. Possibly true also, as I’ve started gymming for the nth time.

o “I had a wet dream about you last night, and I want to make it come true NOW!!!”

o “Hey, there’s someone I know who’s looking for a freelance copywriter. He’s got lots of money…you interested?” You see, weddings are expensive affairs.

o “Did you see Ferrari win the last Grand Prix?” May such happy events continue for all eternity.

o “Isn’t Sachin Tendulkar the greatest cricketer to have ever walked the face of this Earth?” Yes, he is.

o “Wanna share this bottle of tequila?”

o “I’m doubling your salary.” In the unlikely event that my bosses are reading this. Or know this writer’s true identity.

o “How do I look in this lingerie? I can’t decide which is my thing, slutty, virginal, or just mysterious?”

o “I hate the rains. Don’t you?” My views on this topic are fairly well-known, but always good to hear again.

o “This is the most brilliant ad I’ve ever seen! Yours, na?” Thank you, thank you.

o “Superman can kick Batman’s ass any day of the week.”

Of course, this is only an indicative list, not an exhaustive one. Feel free to choose your own topics as well.

But if you decide to only talk about the wedding, I might just decide to never talk to you again.