One Bright Thursday Afternoon

One Bright Thursday Afternoon
10th October 2005
This post is dedicated to all those people who helped me through a rough period in life. Especially to my best friend, on her birthday. Happy birthday!!! - FITM
It was a usual, hectic Thursday afternoon at the agency.

In the post-prandial sleepiness, I was sitting with Kiddo (one of my art directors), Dressy (my new trainee) and Secret Agent Man (servicing), discussing the latest press brief.

I was looking down at the brief, hearing the suit drone on and on, when I saw something in the corner of my eye. Or, rather, someone.

Sweetie.

There she was, outside my cubicle. Entering the conference room with some of our servicing people (downstairs folks, don’t know ‘em, don’t wanna).

She’d seen me too. And then she looked straight into my eyes.

I didn’t need to work too hard on my expression. Surprisingly.

She couldn’t hold my eyes for long. Not surprisingly. She just ducked her head, turned away and entered the conference room. With what seemed like a slightly guilty expression on her face.

I was sitting there in shock. One half of my brain was still talking about babies and nappies. The other half was numb.

But not as numb as I’d expected.

I’ve been preparing myself for this day since January. Since the last time we spoke, I’ve waited for the inevitable. The day we’d bump into each other again.

I’d always expected it to happen around Bandra, considering the amount of time I spend there these days. Or around Lower Parel, where her office is. But not in my office. Not in my territory.

What made it even more shocking is that my bosses – the Silent Assassin and Scary – were just asking about her and our break-up about half an hour before.

How’d that conversation begin? Well, it began with my all-new Nokia 7710. The smart(est)phone. Widescreen, touch screen, office applications, internet browser, email, music player, radio, everything. The coolest thing ever. The one piece of technology I’ve fallen in love with.

But I digress.

Silent Assassin asked me to show him my phone. I was sitting in their cabin taking him through it, when I told him the price (Rs. 23,000). He joked that my girlfriend would feel deprived, that I was spending too much on phones and too little on her.

Now, nobody in the office knows about Slappy and me. So I lied. What girlfriend boss? We broke up a long time back.

Silent Assassin was shocked. He’d met Sweetie in Pune during the college fest. Seen that things were serious. Didn’t know we’d split. Even Scary came to know only in April, during that drunken office bash.

And here she is, half an hour later, parading up and down in front of my cubicle.

To tell the truth, I’d always wondered how I’d handle the day. What would I tell her, how would I treat her.

I got my answer. And I didn’t even have to tell her anything.

The first thing I did was SMS Slappy, who was out of town on a research. She was zapped – asked if I was disturbed. And I told her truthfully, "Not as much as I thought I’d be." The first sign that I was way over Sweetie.

Then I called Minty, just told her what happened. Asked her if it was normal to be disturbed. She said, yes. It’s the first time I was seeing my ex, obviously I would be a little taken aback. But she assured me the next time I saw her I’d be fine. She was right.

I went down to get a massage (another one of our HR department’s cool initiatives). And came back sleepy, relaxed and not bothered about Sweetie.

Plunged back into work like nothing had ever happened. Even when she stepped out it didn’t disturb me to see her. It obviously disturbed her – she studiously avoided eye contact every time she passed my cubicle.

I could be very mistaken about the communication between us that day. She may not have read my expression the way I wanted it to be read. But that’s irrelevant. Because as much as I was talking to her, I was talking to myself.

What was on my face? Nothing. Nothing but ice-cold rejection.

Which (in my mind) told her to go jump in a lake. That she’d lost me completely – nay, thrown me away. That I was strong enough to bounce back. To get my life back into shape without her. That I was better off without her.

What it told me was that I was completely past her. Took all my lingering doubts, and erased them completely.

That’s when I rejoiced. I was bouncing all over the place that evening and the next day. Slappy was surprised to see me like this.

What Slappy knows but doesn’t realise is that she’s been a major part of the transformation. The revertal to my old self. The moving on.

She took a chance with me. And so far, it’s paid off.

I’m glad in a way that this happened. It’s gonna change things with Slappy too. I’ve always wondered what was holding me back from committing myself fully with her...we discussed it a few days later, and I think it was my past.

Well, my past’s behind me. And I’m going to make up for lost time with Slappy. The change is already taking place – I can feel it. I’m not afraid of giving myself to someone completely.

All this time I’ve been moving on from Sweetie. But whenever I looked back, I could see her standing there.

But one bright Thursday morning, I walked on and turned a corner.

And she began to slowly disappear from sight.

Relationship Rules

Relationship Rules
5th October 2005

Almost four months into my second (and hopefully, for all the good reasons, last) serious relationship, and some truths have dawned upon me.

It seems that I’ve begun to understand women and dating a wee bit more than I used to before.

As a guy, it only seems fair to share these newly acquired fundas with all the other guys out there. In the hope that any pearls of wisdom they may have acquired will soon be passed on.

So here goes. 8 Simple Rules for Dating Someone’s Daughter.

1. In the case of office romances, it becomes essential to create a ‘cover story’. This ostensibly explains why you and your significant other are seen together so often. Keeping this in mind, please ignore the post titled Workaholic Reflections. Slappy and I met while I was in Pune, through a friend of hers who lives there. There was significant attraction, but we were parted without the customary exchange of telephone numbers. Now, years later, when we met at the agency, old flames were reignited. And today, three years later, we’re a couple.

2. Guys – if you’re ticklish and your significant other knows it, you’re in for some trouble. I’ve been tickled at all odd times – while working, in meetings, in the canteen, etc. So, it has become essential to set rules for when not to tickle. Slappy, therefore, is not allowed to tickle me while I’m driving, eating or watching a movie. Similarly, it’s essential to find her tickle spots, and exploit them to the fullest.

3. What’s okay for her isn’t for me. For example, I am supposed to understand and read Slappy’s mind all the time. But it’s ok if she can’t read and understand me all the time. Unfortunately, this is the one rule I can’t manage to bend. Every time I try, she sweetly says, "Not allowed."

4. No matter who takes decisions – where to go out, what to eat, where to meet, etc. – you will forever be told that you never let her decide anything. This after you’ve asked her a dozen times what she wants to do, and she’s told you a dozen times that you should decide.

5. Your choice in movies is better. Far, far better. The only time you should give in is when you want to later see a movie you know she may not enjoy. Or if, on a first date, you want the option of guilt-tripping her into going out with you again.

6. Guys are useless when it comes to shopping for jeans for her. This after you’ve stood around handing her a dozen pairs of jeans to try on, and commented on how her bum looks in each of them.

7. However, what she picks out for you to wear is always good.

8. When you end a conversation, she will always make you feel like you don’t wanna talk to her any more. You don’t love her any more. Even after a four-hour conversation that’s covered work, friends, life, relationships, sex, movies, TV, more work and fifteen minutes of saying goodbye.

Please note, dear readers – and there do seem to be a lot of you these days – that I write this tongue-in-cheek. I take no responsibility for any mishaps that may occur in your relationships, ranging from break-ups to breaking heads.

And, in the meanwhile, I shall try to convince my significant other that I’m only kidding. And that I really don’t wanna wake up single.

Blog-In-The-Mouth

Blog-In-The-Mouth
14th September 2005
With this post, we go current. Posts will be less frequent, but they will be current. Thank you for bearing with us.
It’s been a few months now since I started blogging FITM.

The blog began because I’ve always had this urge to see FITM published. Out there for others to read. Now, there’s very little chance of any publisher actually agreeing to market an autobiography of some random dude. So, I turned to the worldwide web.

So I set up http://foot-in-the-mouth.blogspot.com, after a lot of trial and error with the template process. Uploaded the first episode ever written, and mailed the links to a few trusted friends – Slappy, Groper, Doc, The Nag, Minty, The Drunken Painting Poet, Guzzler, Legs, my best friend, my sweetheart and Srimati.

It was interesting to re-read and to post the articles. Now that I look back, I can see how much I’ve changed as a person with every article.

Putting up Season Two, the current set, was frightening. A lot of these episodes involve rather deep personal feelings. What with all the hell that’s gone on. The call was whether I should put myself out there to such an extent or not. The answer – yes.

I’d update it every few days, until I decided to get it current. So, for the last two weeks, I’ve been doing an update a day. Now, I’m just a few episodes away from being current.

I set up an email id (footinthemouth@gmail.com) for feedback and fan mail. And, after daily mails telling the aforementioned group to read the day’s post, I’ve received a lot of feedback. And here it is.

Doc: His reaction was like, what shit are you making me read man? I get the feeling he doesn’t like to be invited so deeply into someone’s life. But I hooked him in the end – he’s started a blog of his own.

The Drunken Painting Poet: A long conversation with her was what prompted me to get back to FITM. And she was most thrilled to read the blog. No official feedback yet (hint, hint) but she seems to enjoy it.

Guzzler: The dude owns a publishing company. He liked the first few posts so much that he’s offered to publish FITM. Maybe I’ll take him up on it. And inflict FITM on millions...millions I say!!! (Insert evil cackle, gleeful rubbing of hands here.)

Legs: Liked the blog a lot. Laughed a lot. Posted one rather telling comment – that every blog seemed to feature one woman, and that I seemed to have a lot of women in my life...

Minty: She’s thoroughly enjoying the blog. Called me up to say she loved the post about my sis (Neighbour’s Envy, Brother’s Pride). Also called when one post reminded her of Hrithik, her best friend (more than that, according to me).

My best friend: Two telling comments. One when she learnt how unhappy I was that we were drifting – she didn’t know then what I was going through. The second, when I wrote recently about how I’ve patched things with Doc, about how foolish I was – she said that she never wanted her relationship with Doc to affect mine, and how he was still a trusted friend.

Srimati: Mails in from Detroit to say that she’s been following the blog closely, and enjoying it thoroughly.

Slappy: What can I say? My biggest fan, and the one who’s pushed me the most to post FITM. She’s understood thoroughly what I’ve been through last year. Cried when I wrote about Amma. Laughed when I wrote about Groper’s surgery. And never missed an opportunity to rag me about Boxer. Despite the occasional confusion about characters, she’s hung on grimly...

Groper: Called to say she was catching up on the blog after a while. Mailed to say she was glad I was over the worst. Called to protest that she’s not Groper, that she never groped my ass at the water cooler in college. Liar.

And then there have been those anonymous comments that keep happening. The first line leaves me very happy: "Your blog is very creative. It’s very good. Keep it up."

Then I go on to the next line. Which tries desperately to sell me legal services, gardening equipment, penis enlargers, what-have-you.

So now I’ve set up a filter to block computer-generated comments. Less feedback, but at least it’s written by a human being.

My only criticism is that there’s been no fan mail. I mean, I can’t get much clearer than putting up a note inviting it. So I console myself with the thought that all my fans had their PC’s crashing just before they could click Send...

The fun part is that most of the people recognise themselves and their adventures. I know Minty (most obvious) and Groper have. Slappy knows her pseudonym, but she hasn’t come up yet. By the time you read this, you’ll have met her on the blog.

So the show goes on. With every post, the feedback continues. And I march onwards to my dream of someday publishing FITM, with my war cry:

"Open mouth, insert foot!"