“Who’ll Wash All The Vehicles?” And Other Tongues Of The Slips

“Call the fridge, I’m just coming.” Slappy to me as we head for the elevator one morning.

“Call the fridge, I’ll just lock up.” Me to Slappy, shortly afterwards.

“Oh my God, I got a legal ogle!!!” Windows flashes an ‘Illegal Operation’ sign on Legal Ogle’s screen. The one that started it all, and led to her nickname.

“Who’ll wash all the vehicles?” Me to the SIMC gang in Pune after a night of drinking at my place, on noticing the kitchen sink full of dirty utensils.

“If you want to know what’s happening in my life, you should just see Facebook.” Me to Slappy. I’m still apologising.

“All these clients just love chapstick humour.” LooksGayButClaimsHeIsn’t to me during a brainstorming session.

“Hold your booby with your hand!” Slappy to me one night while trying to draw a mehendi tattoo on my arm.

“I love the glasses!” Me to Slappy. She’d said, “I love you,” I hadn’t heard, and was busy admiring the brandy glasses. On our anniversary.

For Those Tongue-Tied Moments When You Can’t Remember Someone’s Name In Conversation

Chief.

Charlie Brown (CB for short).

Sports Fan.

Scooter.

Dude.

Babe.

Sir/Sirji.

Boss.

Baba.

My Friend.

Chacha.

Sweetie/Sweetheart.

Mama.

Wanker.

Macha.

Bro.

My Dear.

Champ.

James.

Hero.

Paaji.

He/You/She.

Uncle.

Auntie.

Rajnikant.

Rockstar.

Madam.

Pal.

(Sure beats going, “Um…er…um…”, doesn’t it?)

2009: The Year In Review

Every newspaper does it. Heck, they advertise it, they earn big bucks from it. So I decided to try it myself.

Ladies, gentlemen and the undecided minority – FITM presents, 2009: The Year In Review.

As if the title didn’t tell you what this post is about.

I could ramble on, but then you’d probably go away and do more important things – like shaving your underarms or something – so here goes.

Spent most of January preparing for February. Said goodbye to my wife-to-be as she returned to the maaike for the last time as a kunwaari (hey, that rhymes with her name!). Caught up with friends, lived up the last days of my bachelor life. Had about seventeen million six hundred forty-one thousand eight hundred and fifty-six conversations with people about the wedding.

Got engaged in February. Got a nice watch as a gift. Got officially confirmed as an adult Hindu male. Begged for money. Got lots of folks drunk at one place. Danced like a maniac. Watched my pals put on a fantastic show. Got scandalised at my Navgrahi pooja. Put mehendi on my hand – just a drop, for shagun purposes only. Had a wedding-related panic attack – on the baraat horse. Got over it. Got hitched – also in February. Went on honeymoon. Realised I’d be waking up first for the rest of my life.

Played Holi after God-alone-knows how many years. Was rather good at it – was accused of being a terrorist by a drenched and spluttering mom-in-law.

Worked very hard. Got frustrated with my boss. Drowned my frustrations in Caol Ila. Got legal proof from the government that we’re married.

Work frustration went through the roof. Threatened to quit job. New opportunity was promptly pushed through by the Silent Assassin. Got a new phone to celebrate 3 months. Made Woodside Inn our home pub. Apologies to Mondy’s.

Enjoyed married life. Binge-watched Scrubs with the wife. Discovered How I Met Your Mother. Binge-watched that too.

Bought a 32” Vu LCD TV. And a DivX-compatible Philips DVD player. Entertainment unit set up, no need to move out of bedroom. Except for food and loo breaks.

Bought the wife a phone. An HTC Touch Diamond. First she loved it. Now she hates it.

Churned out the next big campaign. My last mainline campaign. Switched over to digital. Figured out that my name in binary is 40 characters long. For the curious, it’s 0111001101100001011011010110100101110100.

Discovered the Kindle. Jumped up and down when they launched the international version. Still jumping up and down, hoping someone will buy it for me.

Discovered Avatar: The Last Airbender. Got typhoid. Stayed home for 3 weeks. Binge-watched Avatar. Played PS2. Taught Slappy and the Nag poker. Whined when they beat me at it.

Mourned when MJ died. Played his music all day long. Wiki’d him, Tweeted about him. RIP, Billy Jean.

Started rocking digital. Made some friends. Made some enemies. Hobnobbed with senior management. Started feeling famous. If yet underpaid. And overworked.

Wrote a bit more of the book. Got more critics. Still awaiting their criticism. And the time to finish writing it.

Started re-running The West Wing for project research. Ended up re-running The West Wing for sheer entertainment.

Moved out of my parents’ home. Bought furniture. And vegetables. Even tomatoes.

That brings to a close the Review. We hope you enjoyed reading it. If you did, I have a reward for you here (girls, click here). If you didn’t enjoy it, then you may go here.

See you in 2010. Have a rocking New Year, folks.